Don’t Let My Friend Surprise You with His New Spandex Swimsuits


I have seen a lot of spandex swimsuits over the years but nothing prepared me for what my friend decided to bring back from France on his vacation over last summer. Every time I spoke with him on the phone he was trying to describe what some guys was wearing on the beach but he has never been very good at using descriptive words. In fact he tried explaining what some wine tasted like and I thought he was telling me about the differences between automotive gases that they use over there or something. That should tell you how confused I was by what he was telling me about the swimsuits.

I put it all out of my mind and figured that he would have too by the time he got home, but he didn’t. Instead of trying to explain it to me though he put one of these new spandex swimsuits on and showed me what he was talking about. I should preface this by telling you he said the guy looked like he had a full body wax before stepping out of the bathroom and showing me what he had brought home. The sheer horror at seeing his hairy ass in that swimsuit made me want to hit him in the head with a shovel and run away in fear.


I couldn’t get too much of a view and still have no clear idea what the spandex swimsuits looked like because I couldn’t stare at him that long without the flight or fight response kicking back in. He told me what they were called and I went ahead and found them online which was much better for me. The guys wearing them online looked like they should be wearing something like that out on the beach. He looked like an old train hobo wearing a bikini on the outside of some really nasty long johns that hadn’t been washed, or changed out, in over ten years. Why would he wear something like that knowing what he looks like in the first place?